DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF
ISATOU AIDA NJIE GAYE
1956-2025
WE REQUEST YOUR DUAS FOR OUR AUNTIE.
1️⃣ DON'T TELL THEM, "GET OVER IT."
This is the absolute worst thing you can say. If they could "get over it" like turning off a switch, they'd have done it already.
Phrases like this, or phrases such as "pull your socks up" or "sort yourself out," are not useful and often have a detrimental effect upon the person suffering.
This type of statement, which implies depression is something that you can just push away from yourself, like swatting a fly away, will make your son or daughter feel as if you think they are weak. At this point, you are not trying to establish whether they are strong or weak but instead, you are simply trying to create a channel through which you and your child can discuss mental health.
You must approach the situation with care, and it is important you do not downgrade the pain which your child is feeling. If you downgrade it by making it seem like it is not a big deal, even though they themselves might be an absolute turmoil, they are unlikely to tell you exactly what is going on in their minds or hearts and this can lead to disaster later.
Over 300 young people across the world are committing suicide daily... so do not let it get to that stage.
2️⃣ JUST LISTEN.
Sometimes the depressed person just needs to air their thoughts and feelings.
Just listen, nod and show you care.
You are probably not a trained psychiatrist or a trained psychologist, so you may not know exactly what you need to say. This is normal and perfectly understandable especially if you have not dealt with depressed young people before.
But if you cannot give any specific advice, then at least give them the space to talk as talking, even though it does not solve all problems, can at least help your son or daughter or niece or nephew unload some of their pain and this may result in a little bit of relief on their side. They will slowly begin to feel that the burden they are carrying is being shared with another.
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3️⃣ DON'T JUDGE THEM.
If they're struggling with mental health issues following a mistake they've made, this isn't the time to say "I told you so."
For example, if your child is feeling depressed because they broke up with their friends, and you had warned them that these friends were not good for them, this is not the right time to tell them that you were right from the very beginning.
This is the time to make sure that their mental health does not deteriorate to the point where they begin to have dark thoughts, even suicidal thoughts. Averting this particular danger is more important than proving a point at the moment. So do not use their depression as a stage for you to show them how clever you are. It is about them at the moment and not about you.
Put your ego to one side and approach the situation like a wise elder and teacher not a point prover.
Just listen and remind them: mistakes are inevitable because we're human. Allah made us like this. We are flawed human beings and we cannot be perfect even though we try every day to be as good as we can in every area.
We are all going to make mistakes.
The trick is to learn from them as quickly as possible.
4️⃣ PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR DIET.
When young people are under tremendous mental pressure, or they are in emotional turmoil, this will usually change their eating habits in one way or another. Some youngsters will overeat and some youngsters will undereat. Everybody is different and everybody will have their own way in dealing with depression or anxiety or trauma.
If they're not eating much, don't try to force them to eat three meals a day. This would be unrealistic if they are not in the mood to eat. Then if you try to force them to have three meals a day, you are almost guaranteeing three arguments a day. If you are having three arguments a day, they are not going to open up to you about the problems that they're experiencing and the chances are the problems will therefore get a lot worse.
If the worst comes to the worst, just suggest a cup of tea or toast or cereal even once or twice a day. If they've been home a lot, offer to take him/her to a cafe for a coffee and change of scenery.
Remind them to say "bismillah" as a subtle reminder of their religious principles. When people are very low, they often lose their deepest connections and thus start to lose their identity.
5️⃣ SUGGEST THAT THEY SEE A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL BUT DO NOT INSIST.
Keep the line of communication open even if it's a short conversation every day or every other day.
For therapy to work, the youngster who suffering needs to be willing to talk to the therapist and to learn new things about their own mental health which they can then use to improve.
If the youngster is strongly against therapy or mental health counselling, it is very unlikely that the sessions would be of any value anyway. So you can suggest things but do not insist on anything at this delicate time.
Mainly, your son or daughter just needs to know they're not alone. They'll make progress if they're surrounded by kind and empathic people rather than cold and harsh judgement.
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If you require further support, The Muslim Matrix has in-house therapist who you can contact at: